Choc-O-Cars

The Perfect Biofuel


I’ve been accused recently of being flippant about serious social ills. So, being a flaming co-dependant, people-pleasing suck up, today I embark on a campaign to convince my critics that humor is capable of solving real life problems. The first vital social contribution I’m going to make to society is to suggest that cars be converted to run on chocolate.

I know the technology exists. I saw on TV last week that they’ve created another bionic woman, so creating a “chocolate car” should be easy. There is no doubt in my mind that, if Dick Cheney wanted to, he could force Halliburton engineers to chew enough cocoa leaves for conversion to biofuel. There is nothing that corporate American cannot do.

General Motors created a perfectly good electric car, the EV-1. And then they scrapped it because the price of oil was too low.

Kenny Lay and Jeffey Skillings of Enron created mythical power shortages that created real live rolling blackouts that made the lives of millions of Californians miserable.

Kevin Costner built a baseball field in the middle of an Iowa cornfield and millions of mystic people came.

A chocolate-fueled car is the answer to a lot of problems, folks. Number one, it would be great for the economy. If cars ran on chocolate, at today’s prices, it would cost $1,800 dollars to fill an average car’s tank. Not only would that pump a lot of extra dollars into the economy, it would make Nestle Corporation as rich as Exxon and Hershey as big as Halliburton.

Another good thing converting to chocolate cars would accomplish is, when the Hershey Valdez tanker runs aground near a pristine wilderness it won’t cost a dime to clean up. Millions of choc-o-holics will flock to the area and binge and binge and binge until it’s all gone.

Oooh, think of this. Maybe Barbara Hershey would run for president. I’d vote for her before Hillary.

I can practically smell the sweet exhaust of the chocolate car. Won’t that be a wonderful aroma? Imagine billions and billions of automobiles belching chocolate exhaust. Sweet man, sweet indeed. A chocolate car would pretty much solve the problem of global warming instantly.

Of course, if it cost $1,800 bucks to fill a car’s tank, maybe people would start walking to work and the American obesity crisis would be solved. Health insurance rates would go down. Hospitals could downsize and doctors could travel overseas to practice on the poor.

Obviously, if the demand for chocolate skyrocketed as a result of every car in the world needing chocolate for fuel, the supply of cocoa leaves for cocaine would plummet. There you go, the war on drugs is won, not by force of arms, but by force of chocolate.

Okay, I have a hint for any of the presidential candidates who might be searching for a way to boost their ratings. Adding a chocolate car plank to their platform would virtually insure victory in the upcoming election. When is that election anyway? Sometime in my lifetime I hope. I’m praying to God that Dennis Kucinich wins. It is high time that this country has a 29-year-old First Lady with a tongue stud. I don’t care if she’s two feet taller than her man. All I care about is that this country NEVER has a man for a First Lady. When the First Lady is in reality the First Laddie, life as we know it will have ceased to exist.

Here’s something to think about. Jobs. Jobs in Superior. Not Steven Jobs of Apple Computer fame. He wouldn’t bother coming to town, unless, of course, UW-Superior offered him an honorary degree or something. You never know, Stevie might want to run for Governor of California some day. I’m talking actual high paying jobs for energetic, hard working Superiorites.

Because this fantastic idea originated in good old Soup Town, Nestle would be pretty much obligated to build their chocolate conversion refinery and World Headquarters here wouldn’t they? After all, they’re already sucking the Great Lakes dry of water, they owe us, don’t they?
So, to burn this idea of a chocolate car into the American psyche, I’ve made up a little jingle designed to worm its way into your subconscious. Make sure you don’t remember the (reverse psychology in action here) following Longfellowesqe bit of doggerel:

Chocolate cars a future that
The fuel crisis will combat.
Chocolate cars save habitat
Chocolate cars won’t make us fat.

Life is good. Let’s make it better. I’m Mike Savage, and I’m done.

CHILDREN, FRENDS, FAMILY, FAITH

One reason we're proud of books like Kat's Magic Bubble and Luella is that they put the focus on children. Got yet another interesting email yesterday from one of our authors who is an emergency room physician. He said, basically...

"Been a bad weekend, had to live through seeing an eight-year-old who suffered 3rd degree burns over his entire body. Only the soles of his feet were unburned. What matters in life is your children, your wife, your friends, your family."

Experiencing such trauma changes you permanently forver. It is a good thing that Kat's Magic Bubble and Luella remind us of the beauty of children, wives, friends, family, and faith.

MORE CAN ALWAYS BE DONE

Reflecting on Debbie's negative feelings regarding her publishing experience, I've been taking a bit of an inventory and can say this. More can always be done. Mistakes have been made. Mistakes will be made. Savage Press has often failed to meet the needs of bookstores, authors, Internet customers, distributors, friends, book lovers, readers, etc., etc., etc. Undoubtedly SPI will be inadequate for many future tasks. In the eyes of many, Savage Press (and Mike Savage in particular) "deserves" to be roundly condemned, thoroughly thrashed, exterminated, tortured, bullied, dragged through the mud, drawn and quartered, waterboarded, and any other sundry humiliations, degredations, and annihilations.

However, it can also be equally well reasoned that Savage Press, and everyone else on the planet, "deserves" compassion, empathy, and permission to grow from inadequacies to competencies.

What it boils down to, in my mind today, is not that I or a company, or anyone "deserves" a certain type of treatment. What it boils down to, today, in my mind, is that we each have a choice every day, every hour, every minute. We have the option to choose compassion and patience and empathy. Today I thank God that I'm eschewing anger, declining defensiveness, repudiating rage by chosing mercy, compassion, and empathy...especially toward Savage Press, myself, and everyone out there whose needs are not being met by SPI and me and anyone.

It is my hope that we can all get our needs met (both in the publishing sense and the wider sense) not at the expense of anyone but by agreeing to choose compassion for each other and for all. Maybe there is room in the world for a struggling, faulty, confused, "lazy," publishing company (and publisher) who wants to keep doing the next "right" thing but often falls short of external definitions of "right." Maybe there are too many publishers defaulting to what some might call mediocrity. But for now, today, I believe there is room in the compassionate, considerate, moderate, empathetic world for Savage Press and its publisher to exist.

For this I am truly grateful.

WHEN PUBLISHING FAILS

Got this email this morning...

Hello Mike

I had an interesting experience last week. I was flying out of the Duluth airport and I noticed a sign in the gift shop window promoting some of your books. I eagerly looked to see if you had finally come through and done some marketing for Carl's book, and yet again, was disappointed in your lack of initiative in doing your part of the marketing. The whole process of working "with you" has been a complete disappointment.

We have waited since the book came off the press for you to do your 50%...even 25%...or maybe 10% of the promo.

A friend had a book published and from the kickoff party, to the many press releases, book signings, and interviews all arranged by his publisher, I have kicked myself for being impressed by your "laid back" attitude....I now equate it to laziness.

I am so proud of Carl for being trusting and patient with you throughout...I on the other hand have lost all respect for you.

Debbie

...sometimes publishing a book fails everyone involved.

What's Alive in You Today?

"Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life, place yourself in the full center of that flood, then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right, and a perfect contentment."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Serious Issues Seriously

Solving Serious Problems Seriously
Or
Serious Trivial Pursuits


I’ve recently been accused of trivializing serious social, economic, religious, political and personal issues. Because I’m a flaming co-dependent seriously eager to please every Tom, Dick and Harry, I will now seriously tackle the serious issues of religion, politics and health care.
I know this is a misquote, but still, Bill Shakespeare said it best, “First kill all the doctors.” That was easy.

With the health care crisis solved, let us tackle the dismal economy of Superior. The news repeatedly clamors that there are not enough high paying jobs in Superior. The solution? Everyone retire. Teenagers? Retire. Middle aged bureaucrats hooking up in airports? Retire. Pastors serving their congregations? Retire. If everyone retires then nobody has to work for low pay. Everyone wins.

With the jobs crisis tended to, let us turn to religion. Now that Jerry Falwell is out of the way, the world religious mess needs tidying up. The Pope, Rick Warren and all the Imams need to be neutralized. Taking the Pope out is easy. All that is needed is a room full of retired alter boys and an electric chair. Poof! No more Benedictions from Rome. As far as Rick Warren goes, he should give his 53-kazillion dollar royalty fortune to the poor, move from his mansion to Darfur and start rebuilding people’s shacks. The Imams? They should cut off those long ugly beards and donate the hair to the Chinese pillow factory in charge of manufacturing faux down pillows for WalMart. Then they should strap on a few pounds of C-4 and donate the detonators to the amputee wards of the Veterans Hospitals.

Now, about the environment. Saving the environment is a no-brainer. Enact a law that says, “In America, no car shall be driven more than 55 miles per year. Anyone exceeding the 55-mile-per-year limit shall be executed summarily in the town square. How cool would that be? Cool enough to reverse global warming pretty much instantly. And think how much goodwill Nooner executions would garner with Saudi Arabia.

Okay, next is the serious problem of hyperbole. There’s entirely too much hyperbole going around in this big, sad, worrisome world of woe during these halcyon days of seminal injustice.
For instance, I heard a man call in to Wisconsin Public Radio and say he was “devastated” because the last episode of the Sopranos had aired. Devastated? Such hyperbole is utterly unacceptable. The solution? Anyone who exaggerates a situation to make a point shall be drawn and quartered in the public square at noon the day following their exaggeration. That would shut up at least one humor columnist and about five billion people instantly.

I would like to see what drawing and quartering actually is. I assume that the criminal is asked to draw a picture with a dull Crayola and then is paid a quarter for his/her efforts. Like “the news” says, there’s just entirely too many low paying jobs these days.

Okay, it is now time to fix the problem of politics. How about we round up all the politicians and make them build roads with hand tools? If every single politician in America had to leave Washington D.C. and all the state capitols, and if they had to pick up a shovel or pick-ax, if they had to dig for a living, they would all be too tired (or dead from heart attacks) to flock like lemmings to that new political Mecca in the Minneapolis airport. Plus, the roads would be in such terrible condition that people might drive only 55 miles a year.

Lawyers. Mustn’t forget lawyers. How about if every lawyer in the world had to stay home tomorrow and change baby diapers all day. No phone calls. No faxes. No emails. No subpoenas. (Whoever thought up the spelling of subpoena should be drawn and quartered at noon along with the hyperbole felons.) No trial dates. No writs of hiyabusa corpuscular mundi. And I think lawyers could learn a lot from baby poop.

Okay, while I’m fixing things…about this Presidential election…please, please, PLEASE, get it over with and elect Dennis Kucinich. All I need to know is that his first lady would be the first First Lady with a tongue stud. That, my friends, makes Kucinich eminently qualified to be the next President of the E.U. Knighted States; I don’t care if he is two feet shorter than his trophy bride.

Okay, there. I’ve done it. I dealt seriously with serious issues. I’ve faced down my critics and shown them that I, humble humor columnist from Superior, Wisconsin, can enunciate grave and solemn solutions to doggedly difficult social and political conundrums.

Now, if you want to write me in for President, feel free. If nominated I promise to get the roads fixed, start executing people who deserve killin’, provide trophy wives for every man over 62, give those lazy buggers at Wisconsin Public Television the benefit of the doubt and, if elected, I WILL serve Jim’s Meat Market venison sausage at the inaugural ball.

Life’s good. Let’s make it better. I’m Mike Savage, and I’m done.

FIRST ANNUAL FOURTH RATE WISCONSIN BOOK AWARDS

The First Annual Fourth Rate
Savage Press/Daily Telegram
Wisconsin Book Awards

A Welshman named Stan Barstow, who wrote eleven pretty good books once said, “The world may be full of fourth-rate writers but it’s also full of fourth-rate readers.”

The old saying, “Everyone has a book in them,” was never truer than today when desktop publishing and Internet publishing make it easy to get a book (be it good or bad) published. This plethora of publications makes the pretty good, fourth rate book award a positively pregnant possibility. So, here we go…

The number one best nonfiction book of 2007 that was read by me was: The History of Sniping and Sharpshooting by John Plaster. This big bazooka of a book is in the “big” category because it weighs about 11 pounds and was published by a big-time outfit from Boulder, Colorado called Paladin Press.

BTW, the gigantic trophy for best nonfiction book of the year will not be sent to Mr. Plaster. As this is the first year of the awards, there is no budget for trophies yet. But in the coming years as the Mike Savage/Daily Telegram Fourth Rate Wisconsin Book Award becomes immensely popular…and well funded, a plaque or trophy may well become a possibility… if there’s any cash left over from the month-long luxury book cruise to the Caribbean that will afford me the time to read all the submissions.

Also, another BTW, the Autobiography of Ulysses S. Grant was a very close second and could have won first place easily, but I deferred to a local writer for the top slot. If you have any interest in reading a true anti-war book, read Grant’s autobiography. For the sheer massive scope of mayhem, the catastrophic carnage and boundless bloodletting on a colossal scale, Grant’s descriptions of his Civil War experiences are impossible to forget.

The number one best LOCAL nonfiction book of the year, as read by me, was Patrick Dorin’s, Great Lakes Ore Docks and Ore Cars. A genius little book that is quirky enough to be truly unique, but straightforward enough to be educational and entertaining simultaneously.

Ellen Baker’s, keeping the house clearly has to be the winner for BEST FICTION. I call this the “Big Fiction” award, because it is a big book, written by a big-time writer and published by a big-time New York publisher, Random House.

The best “small fiction” award goes to Joe Reasbeck for his, Nearfall. I had some quibbles with the book, but all in all, it was the best “local” fiction by a smaller press and a not-quite-ready-for-prime-time author who knows how to spin a dang good yarn.

Second place in small-time fiction goes to Enkay D. Durand for her book Moonstruck. Again, I had some issues with the quality of publication, but, all in all, it deserves a “pretty good book” award.

The clear winner in the Children’s book category is Storm Codes by Tracy Nelson Maurer. Illustrated by Christina Rodriquez, I call this succulent work of art, “the-little-ore-boat-book-that-could” because it manages to convey both emotion and information equally powerfully.
The Best Picture Book Award goes to Lonnie Dupre for his stunning Greenland Expedition, Where Ice Is Born book. Ya can’t get better than stunning, so, ‘nuff said.

The, BEST BOOK AS YET UNPUBLISHED award goes to Mark Hobson of Madison, Wisconsin, a writer of staggering virtuosity whose book, Fire Team about the misadventures of a bunch of drugged out Vietnam soldiers gone AWOL in the jungle to get rich quick, is one of the best wartime adventure novels I’ve ever read. Hobson’s other two books, The Marksman and L5 are simply delicious too. Hobson is as good as any writer on the planet.

That’s it folks. The short happy life of the First Annual Fourth Rate Wisconsin Book Awards is over. If you know of any Hemingway wannabes out there who want to submit their tomes to the rigors of the 2008 competition, send them to me in care of the Daily Telegram and I’ll be sure to at least open the envelope please.

Life is good. Books are important. I’m Mike Savage, and I’m done.