Choc-O-Cars

The Perfect Biofuel


I’ve been accused recently of being flippant about serious social ills. So, being a flaming co-dependant, people-pleasing suck up, today I embark on a campaign to convince my critics that humor is capable of solving real life problems. The first vital social contribution I’m going to make to society is to suggest that cars be converted to run on chocolate.

I know the technology exists. I saw on TV last week that they’ve created another bionic woman, so creating a “chocolate car” should be easy. There is no doubt in my mind that, if Dick Cheney wanted to, he could force Halliburton engineers to chew enough cocoa leaves for conversion to biofuel. There is nothing that corporate American cannot do.

General Motors created a perfectly good electric car, the EV-1. And then they scrapped it because the price of oil was too low.

Kenny Lay and Jeffey Skillings of Enron created mythical power shortages that created real live rolling blackouts that made the lives of millions of Californians miserable.

Kevin Costner built a baseball field in the middle of an Iowa cornfield and millions of mystic people came.

A chocolate-fueled car is the answer to a lot of problems, folks. Number one, it would be great for the economy. If cars ran on chocolate, at today’s prices, it would cost $1,800 dollars to fill an average car’s tank. Not only would that pump a lot of extra dollars into the economy, it would make Nestle Corporation as rich as Exxon and Hershey as big as Halliburton.

Another good thing converting to chocolate cars would accomplish is, when the Hershey Valdez tanker runs aground near a pristine wilderness it won’t cost a dime to clean up. Millions of choc-o-holics will flock to the area and binge and binge and binge until it’s all gone.

Oooh, think of this. Maybe Barbara Hershey would run for president. I’d vote for her before Hillary.

I can practically smell the sweet exhaust of the chocolate car. Won’t that be a wonderful aroma? Imagine billions and billions of automobiles belching chocolate exhaust. Sweet man, sweet indeed. A chocolate car would pretty much solve the problem of global warming instantly.

Of course, if it cost $1,800 bucks to fill a car’s tank, maybe people would start walking to work and the American obesity crisis would be solved. Health insurance rates would go down. Hospitals could downsize and doctors could travel overseas to practice on the poor.

Obviously, if the demand for chocolate skyrocketed as a result of every car in the world needing chocolate for fuel, the supply of cocoa leaves for cocaine would plummet. There you go, the war on drugs is won, not by force of arms, but by force of chocolate.

Okay, I have a hint for any of the presidential candidates who might be searching for a way to boost their ratings. Adding a chocolate car plank to their platform would virtually insure victory in the upcoming election. When is that election anyway? Sometime in my lifetime I hope. I’m praying to God that Dennis Kucinich wins. It is high time that this country has a 29-year-old First Lady with a tongue stud. I don’t care if she’s two feet taller than her man. All I care about is that this country NEVER has a man for a First Lady. When the First Lady is in reality the First Laddie, life as we know it will have ceased to exist.

Here’s something to think about. Jobs. Jobs in Superior. Not Steven Jobs of Apple Computer fame. He wouldn’t bother coming to town, unless, of course, UW-Superior offered him an honorary degree or something. You never know, Stevie might want to run for Governor of California some day. I’m talking actual high paying jobs for energetic, hard working Superiorites.

Because this fantastic idea originated in good old Soup Town, Nestle would be pretty much obligated to build their chocolate conversion refinery and World Headquarters here wouldn’t they? After all, they’re already sucking the Great Lakes dry of water, they owe us, don’t they?
So, to burn this idea of a chocolate car into the American psyche, I’ve made up a little jingle designed to worm its way into your subconscious. Make sure you don’t remember the (reverse psychology in action here) following Longfellowesqe bit of doggerel:

Chocolate cars a future that
The fuel crisis will combat.
Chocolate cars save habitat
Chocolate cars won’t make us fat.

Life is good. Let’s make it better. I’m Mike Savage, and I’m done.

CHILDREN, FRENDS, FAMILY, FAITH

One reason we're proud of books like Kat's Magic Bubble and Luella is that they put the focus on children. Got yet another interesting email yesterday from one of our authors who is an emergency room physician. He said, basically...

"Been a bad weekend, had to live through seeing an eight-year-old who suffered 3rd degree burns over his entire body. Only the soles of his feet were unburned. What matters in life is your children, your wife, your friends, your family."

Experiencing such trauma changes you permanently forver. It is a good thing that Kat's Magic Bubble and Luella remind us of the beauty of children, wives, friends, family, and faith.

MORE CAN ALWAYS BE DONE

Reflecting on Debbie's negative feelings regarding her publishing experience, I've been taking a bit of an inventory and can say this. More can always be done. Mistakes have been made. Mistakes will be made. Savage Press has often failed to meet the needs of bookstores, authors, Internet customers, distributors, friends, book lovers, readers, etc., etc., etc. Undoubtedly SPI will be inadequate for many future tasks. In the eyes of many, Savage Press (and Mike Savage in particular) "deserves" to be roundly condemned, thoroughly thrashed, exterminated, tortured, bullied, dragged through the mud, drawn and quartered, waterboarded, and any other sundry humiliations, degredations, and annihilations.

However, it can also be equally well reasoned that Savage Press, and everyone else on the planet, "deserves" compassion, empathy, and permission to grow from inadequacies to competencies.

What it boils down to, in my mind today, is not that I or a company, or anyone "deserves" a certain type of treatment. What it boils down to, today, in my mind, is that we each have a choice every day, every hour, every minute. We have the option to choose compassion and patience and empathy. Today I thank God that I'm eschewing anger, declining defensiveness, repudiating rage by chosing mercy, compassion, and empathy...especially toward Savage Press, myself, and everyone out there whose needs are not being met by SPI and me and anyone.

It is my hope that we can all get our needs met (both in the publishing sense and the wider sense) not at the expense of anyone but by agreeing to choose compassion for each other and for all. Maybe there is room in the world for a struggling, faulty, confused, "lazy," publishing company (and publisher) who wants to keep doing the next "right" thing but often falls short of external definitions of "right." Maybe there are too many publishers defaulting to what some might call mediocrity. But for now, today, I believe there is room in the compassionate, considerate, moderate, empathetic world for Savage Press and its publisher to exist.

For this I am truly grateful.

WHEN PUBLISHING FAILS

Got this email this morning...

Hello Mike

I had an interesting experience last week. I was flying out of the Duluth airport and I noticed a sign in the gift shop window promoting some of your books. I eagerly looked to see if you had finally come through and done some marketing for Carl's book, and yet again, was disappointed in your lack of initiative in doing your part of the marketing. The whole process of working "with you" has been a complete disappointment.

We have waited since the book came off the press for you to do your 50%...even 25%...or maybe 10% of the promo.

A friend had a book published and from the kickoff party, to the many press releases, book signings, and interviews all arranged by his publisher, I have kicked myself for being impressed by your "laid back" attitude....I now equate it to laziness.

I am so proud of Carl for being trusting and patient with you throughout...I on the other hand have lost all respect for you.

Debbie

...sometimes publishing a book fails everyone involved.